Eric Stoller's Blog

I’ve been thinking a lot about the comments on my Blog Against Sexism Day post. In fact, I have not responded until now because I felt horrible and I wanted to sit with my thoughts for a while. I’m not sure whether I should respond to each comment individually or address the overall themes. I feel like my original post had some value but I also know that the responses to it describe dimensions that I had not addressed. I think that some of this is due to the lack of context. My attempt to write about a personal experience, while at the same time maintaining the anonymity of the individuals involved, seems to have failed.

I have talked with Wendy about my original post. She has read it and she wanted to comment to add context to the post. However, I didn’t feel good about having Wendy “stand up for me.” I felt like it would be like me saying that “I have friends who are women, therefore, what I said was ok.” Wendy and I both agreed that I had messed up by not adding enough context to my original post. I tend to lack enough context at times in my blog posts. I actually thought about podcasting this post since I feel like my oral communication ability is better than my written communication.

The household in which the post takes place is the home of Wendy’s parents.* Wendy grew up in an incredibly sexist household. Wendy has told me that her father would sit on the couch and tell her mother to get him a drink. Wendy told me that she would ask her mother not to comply with such a sexist order and that it was difficult to grow up as a woman in such a sexist household. Wendy’s mother tried to teach Wendy how to cook so that “she could someday cook for a man.”

Her father and mother both work during the day at the same business. They work very hard and are still working to this day even though they are in their 60′s and 70′s. After the “professional” work day is over, Wendy’s father sits down to relax while Wendy’s mother is expected to make dinner. There is absolutely no communication towards Wendy’s mother from her father or from Wendy’s brother about the hard work that is being done in the kitchen. Wendy’s mother is expected to serve both men every night, even when she is not feeling well.

Wendy and I had decided that we would cook as much as possible during our last visit to her parents house. Wendy’s mother had been having some issues with her health and both her and her husband had been working a lot of hours at their business. According to Wendy, I was the first man to meaningfully participate in the preparation of a meal for the entire family.

My Blog Against Sexism Day story/experience occurred in December and I debated about whether or not I should write about it on my blog. Wendy and I talked to each other about what had happened and I had mentioned that I was thinking about writing about it. Wendy encouraged me to post it on my blog. Time flew by in January and February due to my consulting projects, travel and job shadowing experiences. I was chatting with my friend, vegankid, one day when we starting talking about Blogging Against Sexism Day. Vegankid invited me to participate and I thought that my cooking experience would make for a good post.

Tanya, Ann, and Melanie — I am truly blessed to be your friend. I have learned a lot from each of you and your comments have impacted me greatly.

Tanya — I would never label your household a “bastion of patriarchy” nor would I write about our personal interactions on my website. To the best of my knowledge, your living situation is one that you have chosen. Wendy’s mother actually tried to leave her house but could not afford to due to financial reasons. Plus, I know that your husband appreciates you and does not take the work that you do in the house for granted. Wendy’s mother may have chosen a lifestyle that works for her, but it is a lifestyle that Wendy did not choose even though the attempt to force it on her was made frequently. I am challenging sexism in my post. I do not feel that I am judging Wendy’s parents. I feel that the household is very sexist. Wendy’s mother works at a full time job during the day and at night, she punches in for a second full time job where she receives no credit.

I did thank Wendy’s parents for their compliments. It made me feel uncomfortable knowing that Wendy was not receiving the same praise that I was receiving. I do hope that my personality is multi-faceted and that I am more than just an “arrogant, whistle-blowing, techie.” I do not feel that it is wrong to write about an experience that was steeped in a history of sexism. I’m not sure how I was being self-righteous with this post…

I don’t feel that my original post was disrespectful. I have frequently made comments at Wendy’s parents house that I think that housework is not valued enough compared to “professional” work. To the best of my ability to be polite and respectful, her parents know my views on sexism when it comes to cooking at their house.

Tanya — I agree with your second comment about how men are socialized that they can’t/shouldn’t cook and how that message negatively impacts men. It is indeed “evidence that oppression harms the oppressor.” I really appreciated your comment and Michael’s.

Ann — I think, if Wendy had received “all the praise,” that I would have felt very good. I wasn’t cooking for compliments. I was cooking so that Wendy’s mother would not have to cook after working all day. I hope that with the context that I have provided above that the original post has more meaning and that it is not “reaching.”

Melanie — Thanks for providing an example of a woman who is a chef. I think it is really cool that Griff is a chef. I’ve never actually known anyone, before Griff, who was one. It seems to me that a lot of this comes down to choice and appreciation. You and Griff have chosen your culinary situation (just like Tanya and her husband) and you value/appreciate the work that is done in the kitchen.

With regards to your question: “Do you ever verbally share thoughts in these types of situations/moments versus only the in the mysteries of blog land?”

I think it’s very hard, in the moment, to challenge sexism or any of the ‘isms. I usually get all twitterpated and have a difficult time articulating my thoughts/feelings. Wendy’s parents were my hosts and are her parents. By default, I have a lot of respect for them and I think that made it even harder for me to articulate a verbal response. I agree that modeling behaviors do a lot with raising awareness. I’ve been working on my “at the moment” responses. It definitely requires experience, practice, and processing.

It can be stressful to process an event, but I feel better after I have processed something.

I want to address a vibe that I’ve been getting from folks. I primarily post about higher education, technology, and social justice issues. Oftentimes, the social justice issues that I choose to address are not exactly ones that are easy to write/think about. One of the main challenges for me when I was first learning about anti-racism, white privilege, sexism, male privilege, etc. was that I had difficulty finding other heterosexual white guys who were writing about social justice issues. I blog about the things that I wish I had been able to find when I was Googling social justice issues two years ago.

That said, I have a ton of fun. I don’t blog about it because that’s not how I have framed this blog. I guess I could write about the parties that I’ve been to, the friends that I love, my connections to my family, hot stone massages, the way I feel after a great workout, seeing Shakespeare in Ashland, and my love for Wendy — a wonderful partner.

I guess I need to have a personal blog and a professional blog. Sometimes the blogging identity that I have is very professional. In fact, I show my blog to perspective clients. My blog has been an interesting experience since I first starting posting and I love the ways that blogging has challenged me, increased my own learning/awareness, forged friendships and built community.

*Wendy was going to post a comment with this same information and has given me the “okay” to write it instead.

Related posts:

1. Comments in moderation
2. Blog Against Sexism Day
3. Why I blog…
4. Grandma Katie
5. Multicultural Action Plan (Journey)