Blog Against Sexism Day
Today is Blog Against Sexism Day. I’ve been trying to come up with a post that would be uplifting and educational, but I keep coming back to an example of sexism that occurred over Winter break.
(In order to preserve my ongoing relationship with a couple people, I will not name names, locations, or identities.)
Wendy and I were cooking dinner for a couple who is very close to us. We love them dearly. As usual, we were concocting a soup that contained a myriad of ingredients. I chopped ingredients. Wendy stirred the pot while adding spices. I read the recipe again to confirm our steps. We each took turns handling a task to complete the recipe. It was a normal event for us. We have team cooked in several kitchens including those of friends, family, and our own apartment.
I set the table and we began to serve the soup. A favorite recipe, we knew it would be a hit! Spoonfuls of soup were quickly ingested and stomaches were content. Then, the compliments started to flow. Unfortunately, the words of thanks and compliment were focused singularly in my direction.
“Eric, this soup is exquisite.” “Yes, you could open a restaurant and serve this as a main course.” “Eric, where did you find this recipe?”
I must admit that the compliments that I was receiving felt good for a moment. Then I realized a short second or two later that ALL of the positive words of praise were being directed at me. Remember, Wendy and I had TEAM cooked. Wendy had solo cooked meals for these folks before and had never once been praised like this.
After dinner, Wendy and I processed what had happened during our post-cooking soup-a-thon. We both agreed that I had received so much praise because I was a man. I was a man who had cooked in a kitchen where essentially no man had gone before. The house where we had cooked the soup was a bastion of patriarchy. In this house, women served as housekeepers and cooks, while men “worked” during the day. I had done the unthinkable. I had cooked in a kitchen where only women had cooked. Thus, I was given an elevated status. My cooking wasn’t just good, it was “exceptional” and “worthy” of a restaurant.
This was a blatant example of sexism. Wendy as a woman had cooked and was given little praise. I, as a man, was given heaps of praise and practically anointed as a chef.
I post this recounting of events not to depress anyone, but to get the story out there that I am against sexism in any form. How many times are men given special tidings for their work in kitchens while women are “expected” to be good cooks.
I looked up the definition of “chef” on wikipedia. According to wikipedia, “Chef is a term commonly used to refer to an individual who cooks professionally.”
Here’s an exercise for my readers:
Post the names (off the top of your head, no net searches please) of any Chefs that you can remember.
I could only think of Gordon Ramsey, Jaime Oliver, and the four guys who I used to watch on the Iron Chef.
I couldn’t think of any women who are chefs. I think this is probably due to the patriarchal structure of traditional cooking institutions. Men cook professionally as chefs while women cook at home where it is not considered “work.”
Related posts:
Thanks for sharing this, Eric. There is a lot of sex/gender, race, and class issues that go into the usage of the word “chef.” A lot of it has to do with the restaurant’s “prestige,” which has a lot to do with the class status and gender of the cook/chef. Also, there’s the public/private dichotomy (a woman is in the private sphere and therefore a cook; a man is in the public sphere and therefore a chef and a professional). Ah, our loaded words.
Of course, this isn’t a totalizing system (I don’t mean to say that there aren’t women chefs – there are, they are just more rare), but it’s pretty “safe” to generalize and say this is going on.
Thanks. Hopefully I can find time today to write my “Blog Against Sexist Day” post.
Michael Faris
8 Mar 07 at 10:15 am
Great points Michael. “public/private dichotomy.” That’s a great phrase. I’ll keep that in mind for further posts. Thanks for commenting.
Eric Stoller
8 Mar 07 at 12:55 pm
The “two hot tamales”! Mary Sue Something and… shoot, I forgot the other woman’s name.
‘Course, calling themselves hot tamales is a whole other issue.
kate
8 Mar 07 at 5:35 pm
Remind me not to invite you over to my place for I would hate to read your debrief about my lifestyle in a later post. Perhaps you might consider my current living situation a “bastion of patriarchy” since I have chosen to stay at home with my daughter while my husband provides monetarily. You are so open-minded and liberal in your views that you have come full circle and are unable to allow others the freedom to choose their own lifestyles and pass judgment on an arrangement that perhaps makes the most sense for them at the time.
Secondly, when someone compliments you, simply respond gratefully with, “Thank you.” Perhaps this couple enjoyed seeing more to Eric than the arrogant, whistle-blowing, techie. If you feel that Wendy lacked praise add, “Wendy and I enjoy cooking together. Our styles in the kitchen compliment each other well.”
I am appalled at this post and the self-righteous behavior that took place to create it. I do not argue with you that there tends to be an expectation that women cook and that men can not. But, I will not support such disrespect for your friends who opened up their home to you.
Tanya
8 Mar 07 at 8:25 pm
A bigger concern that is not mentioned in your post is not the oppression of women but, the negative impact the message that men can’t/shouldn’t cook has on men. Single men, generally speaking, have terrible diets. Granted, single people likely do not have the best diets because it is not inspiring to cook/eat for one. Plus, Americans have crappy diets as well so, getting in a relationship with a woman is no guarantee. Despite, frozen dinners are packed with calories, trans fats, sodium and preservatives while bearing little nutritional value. Sure, there are healthier options but, they are also more expensive and still not as good for you and a home/healthy cooked meal. A young man in line in front of me at the grocery store bought $40 worth of frozen meals. I do not doubt he is single but, I did not ask. Point being, for their own good, young men should be encouraged to learn to cook and eat healthy for the long term benefits because, as women seek liberation, neither one embraces the role in the kitchen.
Tanya
8 Mar 07 at 8:53 pm
Tanya raises some good points (some of which I’ll leave to Eric to reply to), but in her second comment, she discusses how men often do not know how to cook or take care of themselves. The way men can’t take care of themselves (in general, can’t and don’t cook, don’t clean, etc.) is definitely a problem. But I would ask what is the cause? I would say it is that this type of work is not valued in society because it has been relegated to the work of women (who are not valued in this society). Men’s inability to take care of themselves (in general) is the direct result of the oppression of women, and is evidence that oppression harms the oppressor as well as the oppressed.
Michael Faris
9 Mar 07 at 12:06 am
kate, they’re Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger. They were the first names that came to mind as women chefs and restaurant owners (unfortunately after I thought of some male chefs, dang!). I remember watching their show and in their banter Susan would let slip some of their adventures in culinary school and restaurants. Susan would say that Mary Sue often kept her from being fired, as she tried to make a place for herself in that male-dominated world.
I love food, gourmet and otherwise, but I always chuckle over the fuss made by these men over “creations” that are consumed in ten minutes!
This topic makes me think of other professions (e.g. nursing, sign language interpreting) that have stereotypical “feminine” connections or connotations. The men in those professions overcompensate and can be aggressive. I see that coming from tradtional oppressive attitudes as has been mentioned, as well as hetereosexism/homophobia.
Richard
9 Mar 07 at 5:45 am
Eric, I cannot support this post. I feel as if the situation is a Catch 22. Had Wendy received all the praise instead of you, you would have spun it to something like, “she’s only receiving the praise because society thinks women belong in the kitchen.” If you were both recognized as a “team” and one of you received more praise than the other, I feel like you would have still tried to put a feminist spin on it. If you scrutinize a situation hard enough, you are going to find something negative.
It seems to me that you noticed March 8 was blog against sexism day, and you didn’t really have a blatant example of sexism in your recent life. This is reaching pretty hard.
ann
9 Mar 07 at 8:52 am
Richard, thanks! I remembered Susan’s name later, but still couldn’t remember their last names. I am a big fan of their restaurant, The Border Grill, in Santa Monica.
kate
9 Mar 07 at 11:08 am
The first chef I met is my best friend’s mother, Elizabeth Terry– an award winning chef in the south. The second chef I met is my husband who does most all of the cooking in our household. When we have friends or family over for meals, they know not to compliment me…simply because I rarely do the cooking and meal creation, NOT because Griff is in the kitchen. I venture to say that I know and have met many more folks in this industry than the average person due to my husband’s connections… both females and males! Rarely do I think their intent or interests in this field is a rebuttle or social statement of sorts. It is most always about their artistic interest in “culinary arts” — and the greater understanding of foods/nutrition.
I have to agree wtih Ann’s post on this too – Seems like many situations can have a cyclical nature and argument to it depending upon your take. Do you ever verbally share thoughts in these types of situations/moments versus only the in the mysteries of blog land? eg: Thanks for the compliments, but this was a team effort – so props to Wendy! I think modeling behaviors (both nonverbal and verbal) can go far in awareness raising moments. Silence and later/ somewhat passive analysis seems altogether risky and stressful to me.
I’m all about awareness, action, and activism but I’m also all about laughter, good food/wine, friendships and appreciation. Helps me sleep better.
Hope you are well!!
Melanie
9 Mar 07 at 9:10 pm
[...] I’ve been thinking a lot about the comments on my Blog Against Sexism Day post. In fact, I have not responded until now because I felt horrible and I wanted to sit with my thoughts for a while. I’m not sure whether I should respond to each comment individually or address the overall themes. I feel like my original post had some value but I also know that the responses to it describe dimensions that I had not addressed. I think that some of this is due to the lack of context. My attempt to write about a personal experience, while at the same time maintaining the anonymity of the individuals involved, seems to have failed. [...]
Context and Comments » Eric Stoller’s blog
11 Mar 07 at 12:37 pm
Tanya, Ann, and Melanie – I decided to post my reply to your comments. Here’s the link:
http://ericstoller.com/blog/2007/03/11/context-and-comments/
Richard, Kate, and Michael – Thanks for commenting.
Eric Stoller
11 Mar 07 at 12:38 pm
I really can’t help but think that some comments here (Tanya’s especially) are not about the post.
I have been on “the other side of the team” (the not so complimented side) although I cook everyday, for family and friends and my team mate doesn’t. He gets compliments for his twice yearly efforts that I could never dream of but if he EVER pointed out that fact in front of guests I would want to kill him.
Why? Well, he gets his big compliments twice a year. Good for him. He knows he should do it more and that he doesn’t because he can’t be bothered. Does it really matter? I get smaller but more heartfelt compliments 350 something times a year.
Sorry, I wanted to write a lot more but I am too angry (not just with this thread…) and I’ve been too ill recently to bother. Yes, address the imbalance between male chefs and females cooking but please don’t try and say that this post reinforces that, because it doesn’t.
Just to say Eric, that I appreciated your post and I understand where you are coming from.
deviousdiva
12 Mar 07 at 4:27 am
Hi Devious Diva — Thanks for commenting. I didn’t know you read my blog! I’ve seen your comments on other blogs that I frequent…
Eric Stoller
12 Mar 07 at 8:26 am
I’m a long-time lurker here and only just now found the courage to comment. I have to admit your blog leaves me feeling a little in awe so although I would like to be more active I shy away from it. Now, I’ve finally done it and it I hope that means I will be more confident in future. BTW this has nothing to do with anything you are doing, just my lack of confidence !
deviousdiva
13 Mar 07 at 1:24 am
I’m glad you have de-lurked
Eric Stoller
13 Mar 07 at 11:22 am