Our happy hunting grounds have disappeared everywhere from Lapland to
New Guinea to the greater Mississippi River Basin. The only reason you cry
about the disappearing Rain Forest is because you sit where my forest once was.

Some blame this usurpation of cultures on the cultivation of wheat and the
domestication of the cow; others lay blame squarely in the hands of the
Reagan/Bush trickle-down economic theorists. I prefer to simply
blame you.

I should spear every one of you smartypants urban technologists,
sitting there at play at your computers, where my people once felled
the wooly mammoth and the mighty buffalo.

The Irish, the Germans, the Italians, the Slavs, none of them should have
wandered north from Mesopotamia, only to befoul every shore they
set foot upon. Birthplace of Civilization my ass! We the people of the earth,
content to track the wild elk and take only what we need, who rarely
engaged in cannibalism, we were the meek even before they had a
word for meek.

We refused to develop an alphabet not because we were stupid,
but because we knew what it would lead to.

First you idiots started planting seeds. One thing led to another, and
your populations grew, as you became fat and lazy, no longer lean
from the hunt. Then you started building permanent structures, and
forgot all about the need to sleep in trees to avoid the predators at
night. Then you built factories and paved our trails with asphalt, and
dirtied the air like a thousand exploding volcanoes every day.

Please block yourselves from each other’s mailing lists, open that
opening in the wall you call “window,” and throw your computer out.
Return to the land, kill an antelope, rip its flesh from the bone, and
pencil deep intellectual thoughts on the ceilings of your caves with a
charred stick.

Yes, I know, some of you vegetarians will wither and starve, refusing to eat
the gizzards offered you, but this is our law — Nature’s law of
natural selection, and only the brave will survive. This is
why they call us Braves. Why they call others of us Eskimos,
Aborigines, Laplanders, and Zulus, we don’t know, and
we don’t care. We just know that with proper treatment, we can
shrink your heads down for use as cute decorations on our coffee tables.

Hunters and gatherers of the world, unite!